God's Total Quality Management Questionnaire

One of the nice things about sending kids off to college is their sending back all the things they discover out there. Chris John Carter at Oberlin recently e-mailed me "God's Total Quality Management Questionnaire." It is a spoof of the all too prevalent attitude that God is primarily there to meet our felt needs. I believe that Will Willimon is right when he writes that our felt needs are often the result of sin rather than the path to salvation. God's primary goal for us is not to meet our felt needs, but to replace them with the needs He wants us to feel. For example, He would want to replace our hunger for more worldly trinkets with a hunger and thirst after righteousness. For what it's worth here it is:

GOD'S TOTAL QUALITY MANAGEMENT QUESTIONNAIRE

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions.

Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.

1. How did you find out about God?

___ Newspaper
___ Television
___ Word of Mouth
___ Bible
___ Torah
___ Other Book
___ Near Death Experience
___ Other (specify):

2. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply.

___ Tarot
___ Horoscope
___ Fortune cookies
___ Self-help books
___ Biorhythms
___ Mantras
___ Insurance policies
___ Lottery
___ Television
___ Ann Landers
___ Sex
___ Alcohol or drugs
___ Other:
___ None

3. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer (circle one)?

a. More Divine Intervention
b. Less Divine Intervention
c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
d. Don't know

4. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):

a. Disasters (flood, famine, earthquake, war)

1 2 3 4 5

b. Miracles (rescues, spontaneous remission of disease, sports upsets)

1 2 3 4 5

5. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach additional sheets if necessary):